Winning in Losing

Last night my son's hockey team lost their third straight hockey playoff game. Poking my head into the locker room I caught the eye of my son and he gave me a big smile. He was happy and satisfied because he had done his very best as did the rest of his team. They were all disappointed at the losses, but they weren't beaten by them.

Flash back to last year. At the time my son was playing goalie. Physically he was and is an amazing goalie. He has spider-like reflexes that border on clairvoyance at times. Mentally he is a miserable goalie. Being the stereotypical perfectionist, he blamed himself personally for every shot that got by. Every game was his to win or lose. Every game was life or death. It got to the point where three days ahead of a game he would be already be scared and crying. Talking him into playing in a game was like talking a jumper down from the ledge. I should point out at this time that he is eight years old.

We had lots of talks about his fears - I tried every angle I could to logically explain to him that it's not all about him. "Hockey's a team sport - you win as a team, you lose as a team...". "If it got by you, it also means it got by five other players...". "It's just a game - have fun...". "Even the best NHL goalies don't make every save...". No luck. Other parents talked to him. The coaches talked to him. Nothing worked. We moved him out of goalie to defense. Still the pregame anxiety plagued him. Hockey was not fun.

My family came to see me at Ironman Wisconsin. At the finish line my family waited for hours while scores of other triathletes finished ahead of me. Then I finished. My son got to see first hand that I was not devastated by not losing. He saw just the opposite. What he saw in me that night I can't put into words, but I know it left a mark on him. He also got to experience an incredible, LOUD, enthusiastic, supportive crowd cheer me and all the other triathletes as we crossed the line. As my family and the friends who made the trek to cheer me on congratulated me he got to see that even though I didn't win I was treated like a champion because I had done my best and left nothing on the course. I think something somewhere deep in his little eight year old brain clicked. I think he got it.

This year he gets disappointed when the team loses. The difference is that he doesn't get devastated. He doesn't carry every puck that gets in on his shoulders. He knows that the only thing that matters is that he try his best while he's on the ice. He tries his best every minute he's on the ice. Hockey is fun again.